Hannah (9 years old) and Frodo 2005
Hannah came home today. Since weâve not known where she has been for a week, this is wonderful news.
Eight days ago, Hannah left the house around 2 a.m. Things similar in nature have happened before, enough so that they donât terrify us like they use to. But they exasperate, exhaust, and burden us. Gordon and I sat in our old Adirondack chairs sipping our tea in silence as the morning sun warmed our faces. I know Gordon was thinking the same thing as me: God, why?
Hannah, grade 6
Hannah is into drugs (mostly marijuana) and alcohol. We anguish over the lessons sheâll learn on this path. Iâve begun the process of getting a court-ordered intervention called PChAD, (Protection of Children Abusing Drugs). Once a judge orders a PChAD, Hannah will be subjected to 10-days of assessment, education, counseling, and detox. Itâs only 10 days, but hopefully something in those few days will strike a chord with Hannah and make her want to alter her course.
All her life sheâs been strong, comfortable walking her own path. I remember my pride when her grade 1 teacher told me of Hannahâs strength to stand for what she believed. That strongwill was usually directed toward something I could affirm so I loved it. Now that strength is channeled in a direction thatâs harmful at the very least.
We have prayed for Hannah her entire life. We trained her in Scriptures; she was loved, nurtured, adored, disciplined; her parents loved each other and were committed to family. I was a stay-at-home mom. Surely the good in Hannah's life outweighed the bad. Repeatedly I think about these things and always come back to, "God, why?"
My prayers have changed over time. Iâm wearing down and not praying lengthy prayers anymore. It seems my words are used up. But âterror prayersâ go up often. Terror prayers are what I call prayers that follow a terrible thought or new knowledge.
Hannah, Summer 2012
A few days ago I saw a young girl about Hannahâs age stumbling. As I saw it happen, a horrible thought of Hannah stumbling, drunk or high, into traffic entered my mind. The terror prayer began, âOh God, please protect my baby girl. Show her her need for you. Show her the futility of this life. Please draw her to you. Show her yourself in a personal powerful way. Please God, save her."
When Hannah was 8 or 9 I gave her a little pink devotional and she did regular devotions. Nearly every night when she and I prayed, she would say, âBut Mama, I donât feel anything. How come I donât feel Godâs presence?â She longed to âfeelâ something. She never did.
Several weeks ago when her erratic behavior was escalating, I read her diary. I was so saddened to read that she still hangs on to that period of life. She told about her and me praying regularly that she would know Godâs presence in her life. She told about that little devotional book and how she sought God almost daily. Her conclusion: either God doesnât exist or he doesnât care for her.
I cried out to God, âGod, why didnât you answer the prayers of my innocent daughter? She sincerely wanted to know you. Why, why, why?â
I am not angry with God. Iâve been through enough in my life to know there is a bigger picture that Iâm not privy to. However, I have a constant refrain in my heart: God, why? I know, there is a reason we are on this journey; I know Heâs fulfilling a bigger purpose. I believe Romans 8:28 with all my heart; He is working everything for my good. Without that belief I donât think I could bear the pain of Hannahâs present path.
Yet still, even with that strong conviction, I wonder âGod, why?â