dear darian, the agony in the garden
atlas rigel

hearing god, cowardice, perfect love, queenship

Recently I was bemoaning to God that I don't hear his voice. Over a couple days I saw how the opposite is true: I see my sin; I see his grace in my life; I hear conviction; I experience growth in his word, his Church, and the sacraments. It's true that many times I ask for direction and sense nothing. But when I think about what I do hear, I'm so thankful.

Sometimes I hear people say things akin to, "God told me to go to the post office." I want that kind of clarity, to hear that clearly, but I much prefer his healing in my heart, conviction, consolation, the grace to experience his presence and his love to momentary direction. 

I am a real coward in sharing my faith and identifying with the Catholic faith and Blessed Mom. (I'm ashamed to write that). I think of dozens and dozens (hundreds?) of times cowardice won. I want to love him so much that all fear of men and their opinions is driven far from me. I want to love him with 100% of my being. I think of the verses, "Perfect love casts out all fear,"1 and "There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for others."2 Laying down my life means eliminating my propensity to protect myself from others' bad thoughts of me. Laying my life down for others means rising above cowardice and fearing what they'll think of me and sharing my faith anyway. I want to love him so much that I readily share him and my Catholic faith, to be bold and joy-filled in sharing him with others. I want to love him with every fiber of my being. I want all darkness driven from me. I want to always abide in the shelter of his wing, in his sacred heart. As the love increases, the fear decreases because, "Perfect love casts out all fear." So instead of my standard prayer for boldness, I'm going to ask for the grace to love him more. Too little love is the problem, not too much fear. 

This morning I was thinking of Our Mother as Queen of Heaven and earth. I realized that I consider myself queen of this home. I want to subject myself to her, to give that role of queenship to her. I want her to reign as queen in my home. 

1 John 4:18 

2 John 15:13


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