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minty-fresh toilet

"All out of your regular toilet bowl cleaner? Try pouring 1/4 cup alcohol-based mouthwash into the bowl. Let it stand in the water for 1/2 hour, then swish with a toilet brush before flushing. The mouthwash will disinfect germs as it leaves your toilet bowl sparkling and clean."

I read this nifty trick this morning and considered running out that very moment to buy mouthwash to clean my toilets. NOT! Isn't mouthwash way more expensive than toilet bowl cleaner? Why in the world would someone do this? I'm a junkie for household hints, but this one's ridiculous.

Years ago my friend Cathy bought a high dollar toilet cleaner and bragged and bragged about how great it was. With her high praises, I wanted some too. Where did she send me to buy this toilet bowl cleaner? The health food store. Everything at a health food store is expensive, and this was no exception. $19 (and this was 20 years ago). "But it only takes a squirt," she kept saying.

Health food stores make me nervous. They smell healthy in a dangerous sort of way. There are all kinds of things that I don't recognize, and it seems there's an oil for every kind of sexually transmitted disease, and that makes me paranoid that I might catch something while browsing through the soy beans and alfalfa sprouts.

At the health food store I was greeted by a nice lady who smelled weird. She wore dark black glasses with holes all over the lenses. The lenses weren't made of glass. They were black plastic. I was puzzled by her glasses. As if reading my mind, she told me the glasses were helping her eyesight by strengthening the eye muscles. "It takes some getting use to, but you eventually learn to see through all these little holes."

I got caught up in all the "cures" this store held and I forgot to ask the lady where the toilet cleaner was. I walked up and down the aisles studying the shelf goods and feeling healthier and more righteous just by breathing those spicy unidentifiable scents.

A near-crippled man with sunken cheeks started toward me. He appeared to need this health food stuff a bit more than me. He was about 50 pounds underweight and he couldn't walk upright. I was taken aback when he asked if he could help me. I asked if he worked there. The may I help you find something? should have tipped me off, but this gentleman didn't look well enough to work. However, he did work there, so I asked where the cleaning supplies were. He said they didn't carry cleaning supplies. I told him my friend had bought some toilet bowl cleaner there. At that, his eyes lit up. He knew what I was talking about. He shuffled (looked like it hurt) back to the employees-only section and came back holding a bottle just like Cathy's.

He asked if I knew how to use it. I took it from him and glanced at the bottle to see if there were directions. As I was doing that he whispered, "Put a tablespoon in a glass of water and drink it first thing in the morning and do it again at bedtime."

I hesitated, then asked, "Isn't this toilet cleaner?" He answered, "Well we have to label it as toilet cleaner to get it into the country, but it's a body cleanser."

I took the stuff and let the crippled man and the woman with holey black glasses assume I was getting it to drink, but I never did. I used it to clean the toilet. Crazy, I know.



Val, this is so funny! I wonder what in the world it did to your body?

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